I’ve talked a bit here about some of the things that crawl into my mind during idle times and tried to sort things out as best as I can through writing. It helps.
I’ve been stuck in a rut since the season came to an end and there’s a strong sense of dread because of it and it’s all tied to the unknown. What comes of the future and all that.
When you’re doing something that you love and doing it covering a sport that you might love and obsess on a little too much, you worry about a lot of things. Job security is chief amongst them and when you only sort-of have a job (such is the way of freelance work) the worries tend to pile up quickly.
The worst part of having a lot of time to yourself and a lot to think about is being stuck with just your own mind. It’s incredible the power one’s brain has in controlling what you’re doing without even trying. The self-doubt that can overwhelm you and the way it can subvert your confidence is incredible. I’m not one to call myself a bad writer. A wordy one, sure, but bad? No way. Yet when a job possibility comes up I’m overrun with self-doubt and wondering if I’m good enough to even throw my hat in the ring for such a thing regardless of what it is.
Worse yet, that crisis of confidence trickles down into all other aspects of life and when you’re a bit of an introvert that spins things into self-made isolation. Not because I want to be by myself all the time but because I don’t want to either burden anyone else with my company or because worries about everything else make it easier to walk away when it’s time to make those good-byes later (or sooner?) down the road easier.
Getting stuck in my own head is definitely a problem. Always has been. I know what the right things to do are to combat that, I just fall back on what I’ve always done and grew up doing: Keeping to myself.
Downside of this is it makes it seem like I always want to do that. It’s not true. I enjoy being with friends immensely and even though my social circle in Buffalo is a lot smaller than it is back home, I’m not without options – I just don’t follow through on them for whatever reason it is in my head that day to not do it.
Pretty stupid, right? Yeah… But this it how it is right now. Buckled under by doubt and worries about what’s to come and whether or not I’m going to have to find some other career road to take because either opportunities aren’t there or I’m just not good enough.
It’s too much sometimes and sometimes it’s something I want to talk about with others, but then it just comes off as “first world problems” kind of whining (in my own head at least) and I don’t bother. I just sit and stew with it and that’s not great either.
It’s a tug-o-war between wanting to just vomit out all the stuff in my head and not wanting to sound like a giant weenie. I guess you’re all getting a good look at what it’s like to be stuck in my own head. Congratulations and I’m sorry.