The Most Homeriffic Post You’ll Ever Read

I’m throwing all caution out the window here. I used to be a pretty superstitious son of a bitch, but not anymore.  My alma mater, Oswego State University, is in the NCAA Tournament for Division III hockey and they play in the Quarterfinals tonight against Bowdoin College.

Now, I used to attend Massachusetts College of Liberal Arts in North Adams, MA and Bowdoin was a regular opponent for the MCLA Mohawks back when they had a hockey program. I haven’t seen Bowdoin in a game in 12 years now and I can say sufficiently that my life has been better because of it. After all, what’s worse than playing an uptight NESCAC school? An uptight NESCAC school from the middle of nowhere Maine.

You know Maine, the state that time forgot and Bowdoin College is located in Brunswick, Maine – a town propped up thanks to the Brunswick Naval Complex. Pssh, way to succeed on your own you snooty bastards.

Maine is so far north of everything else that they have their own Canadian major-junior team, the Lewiston MAINEiacs.  See what they did there?! Such wit!  Now explain to me how a place that’s supposedly in America gets a team that plays in the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League? Quebec is the province that even Canada doesn’t want so I suppose it’s fair that they have a team located in the state the United States doesn’t want. It’s a crappy trade, but a trade nonetheless… I suppose.

Bowdoin’s chief rival in the NESCAC is Colby College which is somehow even further away in Maine and located further into the darkened arctic wilderness of this renegade member of the Union.  I guess it’s easy to say that a school that’s equally rich and snobby in your state is your rival, who else are they competing with anyways? Every other NESCAC school is located in Vermont, Boston, Connecticut or… New York? I thought these were supposed to be the smart schools and yet here’s a New York college playing in the New England Small College Athletic Conference. Stupid rich people think they can draw the geographical lines of distinction.

As for Bowdoin’s sports teams, their team nicknames are the Polar Bears. Now this is one instance I’ll give them credit. They live in the God-forsaken state of Maine and I’m sure they’ve tricked enough people into thinking that, yes, indeed they’ve got polar bears there.

Not found in Maine: POLAR BEARS

What makes Bowdoin’s teams being named the polar bears even more fun though is it allows for things like this.

See… It’s crass, tasteless and hilarious – just like this PSA!

You’re right ER’s Noah Wylie, a tragedy will be unfolding and that will be the merciless slaughter of skating polar bears on the ice in Oswego.  It’s going to be as if Oswego State will be a pack of poachers who were tipped off about a glorious and rare pack of polar bears whose asses were packed with diamonds and it’s time to cash in.

Oh sure, polar bears are the largest carnivores on land and some websites like to show off about that and make them the feature of an online video game, but those aren’t real at all.  In fact, man is so awesome that he’s doing everything possible to make sure those pesky polar bears don’t get too pushy about owning the arctic wilderness.

After all, what happens if you let polar bears take over the planet?  This is what happens:

That’s right, they get really indignant, learn how to fly fighter jets, start rocking out to Kenny Loggins and destroy the entire fucking universe. Does anyone want that on their conscience? I don’t think so, and it’s up to the human race to make sure this doesn’t happen.

That PSA does tell us one thing though and that is that man and water completely kick a polar bear’s ass.  How convenient and perfect is it then that Oswego State’s moniker is the “Lakers,” people who reside and work on a body of water.  As Noah Wylie so delicately told us, humans are ruining everything for polar bears and let’s just say the trend is going to continue this weekend Bowdoin. Sure, you think your polar bears are all cute and cuddly and need help but fuck that noise. It’s time to be put back in your place and there’s not going to be any weebly, wobbly platforms of ice to bail you out.

Go Lakers.